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The Squirrel and Me

TOP SECRET – BURN BEFORE READING

Bring in the best minds of Grosshansdorf and adopting the latest in squirrel fighting technology, it appears that we have reached “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED,” but maybe not. 48 hours is not total proof that the battle (or should I say war) is won.

A two-phased approach was taken. One, brilliantly concieved by yours truly and put into hardware in the famous “Yeager Laboratory for Defense Against Squirrels,” two food balls have remained unstolen by the ingenious S/S Squirrel Führer. What marvelous piece of hardware did the trick, you ask? Sacrificing a wire coat hanger and using top of the line, precision-manufactured needle-nosed pliers, I cut the coat hanger into two pieces, using the lower long piece and then a shorter piece. I employed the pliers and put loops at both ends of the long piece. I then put curli-cue loops at both end of the smaller piece. One of the curli-cue ends went into the loop of the longer piece and the loop at the top of the longer piece, I screwed to the eave of my garden shed. A food ball with net was then looped to the bottom of the shorter wire and Voila, success. 1. The squirrel has to get on the roof of the garden shed, not an impossibility, but not the easiest either; 2. It needs to be able to stay on the roof of the shed and grasp the long wire – impossible because the top of the wire is too far from the roof of the shed. Brilliant I say.

For phase two, I contacted a highly secret bird seed vendor in the Volksdorf market on Saturday, wearing my trench coat, sunglasses and a hat to hide my identity. My contact then sold me at the outrageous price of €3.50 each ($5.40 for you U.S. located folks) two identical units of twisted metal that look like a corkscrew with a hook at the end. The corkscrew part is narrow at the top, gets larger as it moves south and then starts to narrow again. The birdseed food ball is then put inside the corkscrews metal and the unit is hung in a tree awaiting a test and again, Incroyablement, again success !!!!!

Having obtain a real “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED,” I have decided that with the turn of warm weather, the birds (and squirrels) can seek their own source of nourishment and I shall put my armory of anti-squirrel weapons away until next fall or when the first snows fall. Ah, I feel like a new man. Amazing what a challenge will do for your ego.

Have a nice day. Agent Ken

2 comments to The Squirrel and Me

  • RandySeely

    Hmmm…I salute you on your brave endeavor in getting the upper hand against said Squirrel. While reading this, I had the theme from ‘Mission Impossible’ running thru my head! 🙂 Where are Boris and Natasha when you really need them!?!?
    Sunny here in the Boise area…72 degrees… sunshine…blue skies…
    Regards! Randy

  • Mike Dunn

    Good work, Ken. And well written, too. We got a squirrel-buster feeder from the Outdoor Bird Company, in Durham, NC. It works fine. However, we put it away because the doves are hogging all the sunflower seeds and the price on those are climbing like oil. What part of Germany do you live in?

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